When a friend told me about a “life-changing” therapy called DBT, I was intrigued—until she told me that DBT stood for dialectical behavior therapy. It was like a great book with a terrible cover. What does dialectical even mean, anyway? Next!

But people I knew just kept on talking about DBT. Some were using it to cut down on their drinking or to stop yelling at their kids; others leaned on it during difficult divorces. After half a dozen rave reviews, I decided to stop judging a book by its cover. I asked three leading DBT experts to explain what the therapy is exactly, why everyone is talking about it, and how it can help us all lead better lives.

The gist

Rock-star psychologist Marsha Linehan developed DBT in the late 1970s at the University of Washington to treat severely suicidal and self-injuring patients with borderline personality disorder. These patients needed a way to control the intense emotions driving them to take dangerous actions, and that’s what Linehan delivered. By building skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal relationships, DBT helps people “turn the knob down on emotional reactions, so they’re not driven to impulsive behaviors,” explains Matthew McKay, PhD, author of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. 2nd edition and codirector of the Bay Area Trauma Recovery Clinic in San Francisco.

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DBT is now used to treat a slew of issues including substance abuse, binge-eating, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and complex trauma. Beyond that, therapists are increasingly using DBT approaches to help all clients ride the emotional roller coaster of life. “It’s effective—research supports it. It’s accessible—it can be taught in group settings. And it’s practical—it offers tangible tools,” says Alec Miller, PysD, author of DBT Skills Training with Adolescents and codirector of Cognitive and Behavioral Consultants in New York City.

As for the exceedingly complex name, Molly Hunt, PhD, codirector of Santa Monica Psychology Group in Los Angeles, explains that dialectical thinking is the ability to hold two seemingly contradictory truths in your mind at once—the ability to see things not as good or bad, but good and bad. Here’s why that’s important: “When we get less polarized in our own heads, we do less extreme thinking and feel less extreme emotions,” Miller explains. At the heart of DBT is one core dialectic. You have to accept yourself the way you are. And, at the same time, you have to work toward change.

The top 5 tactics

1. Get to know your wise mind.

We have three different emotional states of being, explains Hunt. There’s emotion mind, a hot, urgent, impulsive state. There’s reasonable mind, the perspective of how things should be, fully devoid of emotion. And then there’s wise mind, which is a synthesis of the two, taking into account how you feel, and also what’s practical. They’re sort of like the id, ego, and superego, just a little less Freud-y.

When making a decision, first figure out what state of mind you’re in. Then ask yourself what each of these three minds wants you to do. Mapping it all out helps you find a way forward. (Spoiler alert: Wise mind is the one to listen to.)

So, if, for example, someone you’ve been dating suddenly drops out of touch, your emotion mind might want you to text him a string of expletives. Reasonable mind might want you to realize he lives far away, so it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Wise mind might want you to let him know you’ve been thinking of him and would love to get together again.

2. Ask yourself, What is the one thing I’m doing right now?

As someone who’s allergic to meditation, I was relieved when Hunt offered this lotus-position-free mindfulness technique.

Let’s say you’re making dinner and watching TV and worrying about how your son just failed his math test, and feeling really overwhelmed. “Stop and ask yourself, What’s the one thing I’m doing right now? Okay, I’m chopping this onion,” Hunt explains. “Then refocus your five senses on that task.”

Smell the onion. Go ahead and taste it, too. Mindfulness, accomplished.

3. Cool down, quite literally.

The key to resisting impulsive behavior when you’re really upset, says Hunt, is “to do whatever you can to get through the next five minutes and not make things worse.” In the DBT biz, this is called “distress tolerance,” and one go-to is to drop your temperature, literally. In the heat of the moment, hold an ice cube in your hands, splash cold water on your face or press an ice pack to your wrist. It helps to slow down your nervous system, says Hunt, and prevents you from doing something you’ll later regret.

4. Name it to tame it.

“Emotions always show up as waves, and there are always periods in between the waves where we can catch our breath,” McKay says. “It’s about learning to surf the wave.”

Right. Sure, dude. Cowabunga!

It’s just…how?

Let’s build on the metaphor. When we’re upset, McKay says, we tend to do three things that get us dragged under the wave and pummeled.

1. We try to resist the emotion.

2. We ruminate, or think about what happened on repeat play.

3. We do emotion-driven behaviors that make everything so much worse.

Instead, observe your emotion, nonjudgmentally, and then label it. Maybe it’s “I’m so hurt, I want to curl up in a ball” or “Anger is bubbling up inside of me.” As soon as you name the feeling, it starts to slowly dissipate.

5. Spread the goodness to your relationships.

All three experts say that the best way to make people feel understood (while helping them regulate emotions) is through validation. This includes commonsense hallmarks like active listening through eye contact, but there’s a secret sauce, too. “Let the other person know that their experience makes sense to you in the current context,” explains Miller. Just offering, “I totally get why you feel that way. Anyone in your situation would feel the same” normalizes the other person’s emotional response, which helps it subside. And, hey, don’t forget to validate yourself, too.