If you’ve ever been in a relationship and/or dabbled in pop psychology, you’ve probably figured out your love language, the way you express and receive love. Physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time—you know what you “speak.” But have you ever thought about how you express love to yourself?

It’s okay if that question does not compute. “People often worry about whether or not they deserve self-love, and that can be a block for them,” says Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and a pioneer researcher in the study of self-compassion. But Neff believes we’re all worthy of self-love. “Ask yourself, When a baby is born, does it have to earn the right to love and care? Of course not!” she says, adding that “learning to practice self-love is not selfish or self-centered—it’s a gift to others,” because a person who has learned to love themselves is way more pleasant to be around than one who hasn’t.

You can certainly try applying the classic love languages to yourself. But to feel truly valued and fulfilled, experts suggest asking yourself what you wish others would do for you and doing it for yourself. To that end, we conferred with mental health experts to determine six new self-love languages. Read these descriptions and find the one that makes you say, “I could really use more of that in my life.” Then try our challenges to sharpen your inner dialogue.

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Self-Love Language No. 1

Delight

People-pleasers, listen up: It’s time to turn the art of delighting other people, which you’ve perfected, inward. You know what thrills you, but with only so many hours on the clock, finding time to make your own day falls right off the iCal. This language is “about creating space for joy in our life by literally scheduling it,” says cognitive psychotherapist Niro Feliciano, author of This Book Won’t Make You Happy. The first step is thinking about what brings you real happiness—well beyond the vegged-out satiation of a TV binge. Is it listening to inspiring music? Surfing, biking, painting, or whatever you used to do before life got complicated? If you’re stumped, a good starting point is making time to connect with other people. Feliciano cites the decades-long Harvard Study of Adult Development, which shows that well-being is linked to genuine relationships, community, and connection. Her dose of delight is scheduling at least one—and as many as three—walks with a friend each week. “I’m busy, I want to exercise, but I want to see friends, and this enables me to do both,” she says. “It enhances my wellness physically and emotionally.”

The Delight Challenge: Ask yourself what brings you joy; then see to it that you get it.

  1. Schedule a playdate. Maybe it’s coffee with a colleague after a morning meeting, yoga class with a friend, or getting to a weekly appointment early so you can sit in the car and talk to your sister.
  2. Book “free choice” time. Think back to kindergarten. When you got to pick the activity, what was it? If the answer is drawing, get yourself a sketchpad and go crazy. If you raced to the reading nook, carve out time to wander aimlessly through a local bookstore.
  3. Romance yourself. Treat yourself to flowers at the greenmarket or a negroni at the new cafe you keep passing in the neighborhood.

Self-Love Language No. 2

Grace

If you’re a perfectionist, this is the language you need to start practicing. Grace is more than cutting yourself slack when you make a mistake (the way you would for anyone else). It’s allowing yourself to screw up in the first place. “Everyone makes mistakes. Why does it surprise and frustrate us when we do?” asks Feliciano. “When we’re able to accept that we’ve made one, we get unstuck and build resilience, the emotional mental flexibility to work through whatever it is.” The next time you mess up, try to find what’s understandable, or even amusing, in the situation, acknowledge that it could happen to anyone, that you might have learned a valuable lesson, and that you’re still a good person—one who will undoubtedly mess up again and still be a good person after that.

The Grace Challenge: Practice being a more understanding friend to yourself.

  1. Share a screw-up with an empathetic friend. Shame grows in silence, so tell someone close to you what happened, workshop how you can learn from it, and move on.
  2. Talk to yourself in the third person. It’s a scientific fact that this calms your heart rate and helps you see problems more rationally. “We are much better at advising others than we are ourselves,” explains Ethan Kross, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and author of Chatter. “We’ve done neuroscience research that shows when you use your own name—or the second-person pronoun you—to work through problems, it’s a linguistic tool that works really quickly.” Asking, What made [insert your name here] act that way, and what should she do now? affords you distance to address the question in a less emotional way than Why did I do that, and now what can I do about it?
  3. Take a grace break. The Self-Compassion Guided Practices and Exercises section of Neff’s website offers five-to-20-minute self-compassion exercises, including writing a letter to yourself and using self-touch techniques to activate your parasympathetic (aka “rest and digest”) nervous system.

Self-Love Language No. 3

Encouragement

Have you ever been told, “You’re your own worst enemy”? That’s the hallmark of someone who needs to learn the grammar of encouragement, which means—brace yourself—being your own cheerleader. If you can’t imagine saying, “Good morning, queen!” to the mirror while brushing your teeth, start smaller with the same boosts you’d give a friend. “Even if you’re really feeling low, something encouraging, like ‘Just try your best,’ can feel authentic,” says Neff.

Then, throughout your day, look for opportunities to note things you genuinely like about yourself—the way you mentor young people, your patience with your aging parents. “We all tend to seek validation externally, but if we depend on it for our identity and self-worth, it gets dangerous,” says Feliciano. “If we can affirm the fact that we are good, capable, and strong, we have the power to validate ourselves.” In her case, that means reframing the negative thought she used to have every morning when she woke up—How am I going to drive four kids to four different after-school activities?—to this simple statement: I can do this. And if it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done.

The Encouragement Challenge: Follow these practices until praising yourself is second nature.

  1. Give yourself a freebie—or three. You know about negativity bias—how our brains are wired to notice and remember errors, danger, and bad feelings rather than good. Way back in the day, this was for evolutionary survival. Try doing the opposite. Notice what goes right—including things you accomplish on autopilot, without any fanfare. If you’re a list-maker, include a few gimmes: Email article to dad. Order sunblock for trip. Make a salad for lunch. Once they happen, cross them off with a flourish.
  2. Pay yourself a real compliment. Look in the mirror and focus on something you like about yourself. Maybe it’s the color of your eyes or the dimple that appears when you smile—there it is!
  3. Pump yourself up with an inspiring playlist. Be the pro athlete wearing headphones as she walks out onto the field or court—all focus, all fierceness.

Self-Love Language No. 4

Boundaries

Are you just a girl who can’t say no when someone asks for your time or talent? Have you been called the P-word (as in pushover)? For some of us, learning to set limits takes a lifetime. But, says Feliciano, setting boundaries “keeps us sane, prolongs our ability to be compassionate, and prevents us from becoming resentful.” In other words, much as we love to help, sometimes we have to say no to others—to the IT-challenged colleague, the overbearing relative, the email-happy neighborhood association president—and say yes to ourselves.

The Boundaries Challenge: “When we recognize our limits and honor them, it’s a form of loving ourselves,” says Feliciano. Start here.

  1. Set “quiet hours.” Take a cue from Shonda Rhimes, whose email signature says it all: “I do not answer calls or emails after 7 p.m. or on weekends, and if you work for me, may I suggest that you put down your phone.” Tell coworkers what time you go offline every day, and stick to it.
  2. Change the narrative. President Kennedy’s secretary of defense, Robert McNamara, is reported to have said, “Never answer the question that is asked of you. Answer the question that you wish had been asked of you.” Put this philosophy into play by telling people what you can offer: “I’m not making anything for the bake sale, but I’ll donate $20 toward the class trip fund.”
  3. Have a few firm but gracious noes in your back pocket. Think of the polite refusals you’ve gotten; those are perfectly good responses from you, too. “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the time.” “I’m not available right now.” When in doubt, just smile and say, “No, thank you.”

Self-Love Language No. 5

Rest

If running yourself ragged is your favorite sport, this is your lingo. “Everything we do, including our longevity, depends on how well-rested we are—especially over the age of 50,” says Feliciano. “When we’re well-rested, our brain functions optimally, and our immune system is enhanced. But rest is something most of us don’t get enough of.” And she doesn’t mean just sleep: “Rest also means inactive downtime. Do you have time to be still, to reflect, to just take in what is around you?”

The Rest Challenge: Your brain might freak out at first, but it will thank you later.

  1. Take proper breaks. Why is it that when we have lunch with a friend, we slow down and linger, but when we eat alone, we’re shoving a sandwich in our mouth with one hand and typing an email with the other? Value your breaks by truly taking them, even when you’re alone. Sit at the counter with your coffee in the morning, looking out the window rather than scrolling mindlessly. Get your salad to stay, and park yourself at an outdoor table to watch the world pass by.
  2. Read a novel. This is another easy replacement for the soul-sapping scroll. According to a 2015 study from the Yale University School of Public Health, reading for 30 minutes daily can stave off dementia and even extend your life span for up to two years.
  3. Take it outside. Dogs get to go for walks and lie in the sun, and they seem pretty self-satisfied. Learn their tricks. (There’s also plenty of research that shows being in nature reduces anxiety and depression, but what we’re after here is leisure—a chance for you to get some fresh air and relax.)

Self-Love Language No. 6

Dreaming

Maybe you’ve gotten used to being the adult in the room (and we mean a room full of grown people!). If so, ask yourself: Remember being a kid and fantasizing about all the things you could be and do when you grew up? When and why did that stop? “We’re often facilitating other people’s dreams, making things happen for our kids, our families, our employers,” says Feliciano. “But you need to do that for yourself, too. Ask, Where would I like to be, and what would I like to be doing five years from now?” Once you know the answer, start working toward that vision. “Taking even small steps toward your goal leads to more contentment and fulfillment,” says Feliciano.

The Dreaming Challenge: Not a vision board person? Try these exercises.

  1. Play pretend. Write a scene from your life five years from now and write it in the present tense—not “I will be cooking dinner for friends at our cottage by the lake” but “I’m cooking dinner for friends at our cottage by the lake.” You might never own a lake house, but maybe you’ll start renting one for a week each summer.
  2. Become a beginner. You love being a dental surgeon, but after thousands of procedures, even a complex root canal is routine. Try something new and a little scary—like singing lessons or an adult ballet class—with no expectations. Your brain will start firing on all synapses, and you may even discover a new passion.
  3. Plan a trip. It can be a weekend away or a blowout vacay. A study published in Psychological Science found that people derive more pleasure from anticipating an experience they’ve booked than from waiting to receive a material object they purchased; and a survey conducted by Washington State University found that people who travel frequently report being about 7 percent happier than those who don’t, even if they go just 75 miles away from home.
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Eleni N. Gage

A New-York-based freelance writer and editor, Eleni N. Gage is the author of the travel memoir North of Ithaka, the novels Other Waters and The Ladies of Managua, the gift book Lucky in Love: Traditions, Customs, and Rituals to Personalize Your Wedding, and the children’s ebook Wiggly Tooth.